How you resolve conflict within your marriage is the 'canary in the coal mine' that will determine the long-term health of your relationship better than any other indicator. I'm not making that statement up. Apparently how you disagree speaks volumes about the love and respect you harbor in your heart for one another. My parents weren't ones to argue in front of us kids. As far as I knew, they got along great; perfectly in synch with one another; or so I thought. Later on, I began to notice how things were glued together and the power dynamics at play. From the outside looking in, there was occasional trouble in paradise and a clear winner and loser emerged more often than I'd noticed before. Through osmosis you tend to pick up the behaviors you see over time, Naturally, I copied many of the techniques I'd witnessed over the years--the strong side-eye glance that effectively shut down the conversation. The jaw muscle flex that said, 'I could say more but it won't come out right so I'm just gonna shut up', the 'make yourself scarce' moves to avoid confrontation. I cannot know what all was truly pulsing through the heart of that third entity known as my parents marriage but I do know they diligently worked to nurture it for over 65 years (65 years, 359 days to be exact). And the mystery of that still amazes me to this day. I can remember them advising my newlywed self to not go to bed angry-always reach out and touch your beloved before drifting off because you just never know who might not be there in the morning (remember that prayer, 'Now I lay me down to sleep...?'). Real talk about how relationships can never be 50-50 and how not to be resentful when you are asked to give more than your fair share. To be sure to marry someone nice because you can't fake kind. They didn't meddled in my marriage but I knew I could talk to them and that they would never just tell me what I wanted to hear. Marriage is a mystery and a wonder which nothing else approximates. It is a state of being that alters your DNA. It should be entered into soberly and mindfully. And even then it may not stick. But I know this without a doubt; what God puts together is not easily undone. So. We are 30 years in and counting praise the Lord! And I must say, we are in a very good place at the moment. We have encountered a lot of speed bumps along the way that almost wrecked us and I am so grateful we, by God's Grace, ultimately held together. After 30 years and 270 days I am content sometimes to just watch him nap easily without a care in the world on his mind. He loves holding my hand in public spaces which just grounds me. We share so much and still there are little nuggets that get newly mined from time to time that surprise me and keep me from becoming complacent. I love he and he loves I and it's as thick as mud and it's all a blessing!
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| Marriage Goals! |
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